Note: When I say “The Creature”, I am referring to the president.
As I ponder how I can try to overcome knowing that my dad not only supports Trump (“The Creature”), but also takes his aggression on The Creature’s opponents on social media, but not ever on Facebook, where members of his group of friends and family are all connected, I come to a few conclusions along the way. He does this on Twitter and other news websites because few people out of our family and friends follow him or know that he is on it. I don’t have a Twitter but I can go on the site at any time and look his profile up and see what he writes. He is unaware that I do this, and I don’t think I will ever bring it up to him, either. It would make his secret feelings and thoughts into an embarrassing and awkward situation, and in a way, I don’t want him to know that I know. I knew that he voted for Trump, but it was mainly out of disdain for Hillary.. Or was it?, I have begun wondering. It seems like he relishes in all of the aggressive policies and stances The Creature has written on Twitter. The father I once knew is not the one I am seeing now. And as I wonder what happened to him, I go back in time, imagining my childhood, remembering aggressive behaviour that he had, that would, many times, out of nowhere, irrationally explode. It made me afraid of him and it also made me put up an emotional block between him and myself. He rarely fought with my mom, and never harmed any of us, but when he would get mad, he would just explode, yell, and take an aggressive stance. It was really frightening. I remember one time in a pizza shop, around the time most restaurants stopped taking checks. The pizza shop asked him to put his phone number on the check. He exploded at the poor high school kid who was just doing his job. I hid behind a fake tree by the front door. It was humiliating and I felt so bad for the kid on the recieving end of this tantrum. Another thing I realized looking back, is that my dad would never apologize to me if he had done something wrong. One time, during the 2012 election season, I had joined my parents on the beach for a few days. My dad started talking about politics, and like always, he assumed that he could make up statistics and “facts” and that I would not know that he was lying. Unfortunately for him, I was more up to date on the election and I knew in great detail what the candidates and their running mates stood for. The abortion topic came up. He started aggressively going after me and my opinion until I was so upset that I was crying on the beach. He didn’t know that a year previous, I chose to have an abortion. I had just lost my job, I did not have insurance, I was barely making the rent payments with the little I had saved up, and my fiance at the time was in a similar situation. I felt that this was not a good situation to bring a child into. I don’t want to bring someone in the world who is just going to suffer. Another thing, some of my cousins had had children out of wedlock, which was a huge no-no for my family. They were constantly ridiculed and humiliated and looked at as an embarrassment to the family. In many ways they were ostrasized. So basically, giving a child up for adoption or having them out of wedlock was pretty much as bad as having an abortion, in my family’s eyes. The worst part is that I was on the pill when I got pregnant. I was taking the steps to not have to make the decision of an abortion. When I found out, I was horrified. This is an issue I will write about in another post. It was the hardest decision of my life, and I had gone through it alone. No one in my group of family or friends know about it, and that was 6 years ago. And here my dad was, oblivious, coming at me aggressively and making my cry about it on the beach. I never again went on vacation with them. And after all of that, to smooth things over, I was the one who had to apologize to him. He never apologized at all. This was very common in my childhood and even now. He is never wrong, in his eyes. When it comes to him pushing his beliefs onto others, he will invent statistics and “facts”. Many times I have caught him in lies. I think in a way, he does this so he can control other people’s thoughts. It works on my sister because she is not the brightest, and he knows this. It no longer works on me. Remembering my father’s aggressions makes me think that in a way, he might support The Creature because he is living through him. The Creature takes his aggression out on Muslims, immigrants, blacks, gays, transgender people, women, minorities, and other men who don’t agree with him. I have seen my father, especially after Obama was elected, suddenly turn into a hard-line rightist. Before he was a Democrat, and then he turned Independent, but now he doesn’t try to hide it. I have seen and heard his disgust of Muslims, and “quoting” things from the Qua’ran, a book he has never read. He doesn’t even know any Muslims. I have seen him on Twitter, say bad things about Black Lives Matter although we have black people in our family. I have heard his nasty comments about gays and transgender people even though we also have gays in our family. And unfortunately, through his Twitter feed, I have seen an anti-feminist stance, and dismissal of The Creature’s verbal and physical assault on women. I guess this would not be shocking if he had always been this way. Who knows, maybe he was and I just never noticed. But in my childhood, we were taught that everyone is equal. I never heard a racial slur come from my parents or any hateful insinuations or ideas about other people, either. I don’t think that even he would believe that one day he would support the candidate that the KKK and white supremecists supported wildly. The KKK mainly liked to harrass and attack black people. In my grandfather’s time, they were also anti-Irish, anti-Catholic and anti-immigrant. I think they still are anti-immigrant and anti-Catholic, and obviously, when it came to their attacks and focus, they targeted black people much more so than Irish immigrant Catholics. However, my grandpa still knew about the threat of the KKK, and that he was on their hate list too. I knew who the KKK was as a white child, I suppose I always knew about their existance, just as a black child would, or any child whose family had been targeted by them. And honestly, I do not see how my father could have changed so drastically. But he did. I spoke to my aunt about it. She is also anti-Creature. She said it seems that my dad tries to get a rouse out of her, as does my other uncle. It seems like my dad likes turmoil and to cause conflict. I don’t understand how someone could change so dramatically and that makes me think that maybe all along, he always held discriminatory, and maybe even hateful attitudes towards people, but it was hidden and secret. And when The Creature came along and got millions of people to support him based on hate and anger, my dad didn’t feel a need to hide his true self any longer. Instead of racists being ashamed and hidden, now they were free to be out in the open, without shame. This is still a story in progress. I don’t feel that I can discuss this with him, and if you ask why, refer to the beach episode, where I was aggressively cajoled until I cried. Sometimes I get so furious that I vent to my mother, and sometimes I even attack her too, calling them both selfish and otu of touch with the suffering of other people. I think it makes her feel bad and frustrated but I just can’t help it. I want to stop penting it all up, so that is partly why I started this blog. I don’t want to write it in a journal- what if I die, and people ready it? (Silly, but I really do worry about that). I can’t write it on social media and I don’t really feel I can discuss it with others. The fact that my dad is this way embarrasses me, and I even have lied to people telling them that my parents did not vote for The Creature. I don’t really even mind if people read my blog or not. In a way, it’s a release so I can get these feelings out.